memorizing moments part 2

ASA I

Kenapa harus kau berikan asa dimana kau memang ber-asa
Dan kenapa harus kau sembunyikan asamu
Dibalik tegarnya badanmu
Berulang kali ku ketuk pintu hatimu
Kau buka …… dan aku terdiam
Kubuka pintu hatiku …… dan aku terdiam
Bicaralah …… tanyalah …… dan kau terdiam
Ngantuk ……
Tapi aku tak akan pernah pindah
Aku tahu kau ingin ……
Keras kepala!
Itulah kita
Dan akupun ingin memulainya
Untuk mengatakan
AKU SUKA KAMU


ASA II

Kenapa asa itu tak pernah bias kuraih
Bahkan untuk kembali ber-asa
Hati ini telah malu
Kenapa rasa ini masih tetap datang
Bahkan otakpun telah menghujatnya
Kenapa semuanya harus kautentukan, Tuhan
Mungkin harus kutanyakan
Siapa tuhanmu, Tuhan?


BODOH

Terlalu bodoh
Terlalu buta
Mikir dong
Pakai usaha juga
Kamu tuh terlalu “grusa grusu”
Emosi aja kamu biarkan bebas
Pakai otak dong
Bodoh!
Goblok!
Tolol!
Dungu!
ASU!


CONFUSE

Who is that?
Are you my friend?
But why are you standing far from me?
Are you my enemy?
But why you always smile at me?
Are you my mother who always gives me a hug?
Are you my father?
But you never put me sit on your lap
Are you my sister that always advising me?
Are you my teacher so that you always judge me?
Are you a priest that always says what is right and true?
Are you my versus that you always mock me?
Are you my best body that you always listen to my problem?
WHO ARE YOU?


DOWN ON BENDED KNEES

Sudah cukup untuk kami untuk berjalan tegap
Terlalu tinggi mata dan dagu kami angkat
Terlalu busung dada ini kami tegakkan
Tapi itu terlalu cepat
Kembali kami harus membungkuk
Kau dapati kami tertunduk dan menangis
Dada semakin menciut dan sesak
Tapi itu terlalu berat
Kembali kami berteriak memanggilMu
Berjalan dengan badan kami
Tangan mengais dan terangkat ke atas
Agar hidup terus berjalan
Sometimes words are not enough, Lord
Why don’t you come and talk to me straight and do the magic things that you always said in the Bible
Answer my loneliness, my hopelessness,
Send me and angel, a friend who can be my father, my mother, my sister, my brother and also be my husband and a boy friend
I’m sick of it all



Empty

Why should turn out the face when hearts are missing?
Why just putting the eyes on its corner when hearts wanted to stare?
I grabbed
I pushed
And I talked
You knew
You answered
And you asked
But all of it is empty
The emptiness that filled my hopes
The hopes that are getting empty
Talk
Empty
Brain
Empty
Lies
Empty
Hollow
Empty



FLY

The leaves on the trees were falling down and the wind roared. It was at noon where the sun shone energically while the girl’s land was crying. The bells on the church stroke telling every stomach to be filled.

“How if I said that I didn’t love you and I didn’t want to have a special relationship with you right now.
“I’ll die”

He put his hair by his fingertips behind his ears and held his breath. Then he let it go hardly.

“What do you mean by saying that you’ll die? You do not mean it, do you?”
“Everybody will die, but you make it sooner for me. Maybe it is not my body which dies, but my soul and my hopes, do you understand that?”
“But I feel nothing for you and I’m sure you know what I mean”

She put her chin as low as it can be while her body began to shake.

“You’re all right, aren’t you?”

He put her right hand and kept it on his left hand.

Everything was so clear for her.

But she was still standing there in the middle of a field without him by her side holding her hand. She cried soundlessly and only her tears kept rolling down touching the land. The land drank it as is a sapphire in a desert funding an ease.

“I’ll come to you if I have a feeling about you”

She stood still until the darkness came toward her. Maghrib has called the Moslems to come to their holy place. Come to their Allah and gathering. She lit her cigarette and started to walk along the field.

He smiled to a girl. He ran approaching her, held her hands and kissed her on her nose.

“Would you mind meeting my friend? Fla, this is Peola. She just came
from Korea. Peola, this is Fla, she is my friend. We are at the same university. She
didn’t mind accompanying me to pick you up here. She shook her hand and taught, “She’s really like Peola”

She sat down on one of the dykes on that field. “What do you think and how o you feel about her?” She opened her eyes wide, stood up and began to roar.

“Fucking bastard, do you know how I feel? My feeling’s just like the smoke that I exhale from this god damn mouth”.

She sat on her knees and started to cry.

The less the smoke, but inside it is a lot and painful. The hammer on her nape beat harder and harder. Creep was played louder and louder on her brain. She cried by holding her head. Then, she started to smile.

She saw him walking alone with the smile on his lips. She came to him and said

“Can I go with you to your house?”
“Sure, why not?!”

There they went next to each other. Laughs and talks came so easily. They girl’s eyes were full of joy and happiness.

She walked to her house by her lights steps. The smoke came out from her smiley lips. It came out a lot and Isyak had called.

Arriving at her house, she saw the man was beating her mom. As soon as he saw her at the front door, he grabbed her mother’s hair and pulled it back.

“You see that? “ Your beloved fucking daughter. She even now looks like you. Going from dawn till dark. I’m sure she will go from dawn till dark and be a bitch like you!”

He let go her hair abruptly and walked forward to the girl.

“Don’t touch her, you bastard!”

She rushed toward him and held his arms tight.

He pushed her back. The girl was standing still.

“Come here, my girl. Don’t be afraid! I won’t hurt you”

She looked at his arm, there was a spider there. He put her hands and pulled her close to him. His mouth smelled of liquor. His teeth were as dark as the night. Then he kissed her on her lips yet she stood still.

“Take care of your mommy, will you?”
“Goodbye”, she said as cold as ice
“What did you say?”
“Goodbye”,
“Well, goodbye to you too, girl”
“Goodbye”

He went out and then looked back. He smiled and left.

“Goodbye”, she said
“Goodbye”, she lifted her right hand in front of her chest,
“Are you OK, honey?”

Her mother came to her on her knees and swept her daughter’s hair

“Goodbye”, she said

The next morning, the morning birds were in silent. Only the crows were flying south. The girl came out from her house, smiling to the sun right in front of her face. She heard crowds on her left. She turned her head where there were a lot of people were there. She walked approaching the crowds.

“Let me through”
“Let me through”

There she saw a big dark man lying down. The crows did a great job to his face and stomach.

“Who is he?”

Nobody could recognize him, but she could see the spider.

“He is lack of blood”

She turned her face and she could see her mother standing next to her.

“See you” and the girl smiled.

After taking a shower, she dressed herself in front of a mirror then she paused for a while. She could see her flying and smiling with a slim white thing above her head.

“Goodbye”, she said and waved

She went to her class in silent. After class, again she saw him with his smile on his lips.

“Can I go with you?”
“Why not. Let’s go!”

They reached his house. He opened the door and invited her to come in.

“Look, I have something to tell you”
“What is it?”
“I want you to forget me”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t want to be seen as giving hopes to you. I’ve got a girl. You met her at the airport.”

“It’s all right for you to be here, but you must understand me. It’s different, you
know?!”
“Let’s just be friends, OK!”

She sat in silent.

“Look, stay here will you?! I have got some business to do. I won’t be long”


There she saw a long white rough snake. She threw it to the ceiling until it passed a hook and she caught the snake’s neck. She made a knot and pulled its long body.

She looked outside the house, watching a bird. It lid on a thin branch. It had no leaves.

So, the sun shone precisely on to her body. She sang alone and weakly and suddenly the bird flew into the sky dang freely and seemed so happy.

She smiled and said, “I wanna fly”

“I wanna sing”

She looked up at the hook. She took a desk and stood on it. She circled the snake’s body on her neck and made a knot.

“I wanna learn to fly”

Then she jumped, smiled and started to sing.





For a Best Friend

Hanya satu yang kuingat darimu
Belaian tanganmu yang selalu membuatku ingin menangis
Hanya senyuman yang kuinginkan bila kita bertemu
Hanya lambaian tangan yang kucari bila kita berpisah
Hanya anggukan kepala yang kuharap bila kubicarakan masalahku
Hanya?


GUNS N’ ROSES

When I plant my roses in my garden
I watered it and gardened it, always
‘till the stalks and the leaves grew
And also the bud of the red roses
I sang a song and I wrote poems
And when the buds were getting blossom
Spread away and getting out of the garden
They were all out
But they looked dirty and mixed with dust
People admired and mocked
Finally, the roses were all blossom
Dirty, and always be there
Its stalks winded round a gun
And a bullet that covered with blood



SLEEPY

A piece of rose in an old rusty cage
While the kneecaps are dry and creaking
While the brain is melting, slacking and suppurated
Legs and arms start to tremble, dried and chapped
The eyes with its nerves that wafted out with black circles around them
The soul starts to struggle and to get out,
Screaming and wriggling to get out from this body
A piece of rose in an old rusty cage
Stupid!



Smoking

Perasaanku seperti asap yang kukeluarkan dari mulut ini
Semakin sedikit asapnya, tapi di dalam lebih banyak dan lebih menyakitkan
Topeng apa yang paling buruk, selain menyembunyikan perasaanku
Berpura – pura adalah menyakitkan
Tapi itu lebih baik daripada tidak melakukannya


Written by Erniatie “Ndeso”
Title by Diyah “Mirap”
Between 1996 - 2000



SPIDERWEB

Kubersihkan sarang laba – laba yang selalu ada di sudut – sudut kamarku
Kutata kamarku, kucat dengan merah, biru dan kuning
Kukunci dan kuayunkan kaki kecilku
Ketika aku kembali, kulihat kamarku penuh dengan sarang laba – laba
Meluas dan mendesakku
Dan cat – cat itu kembali kelabu
Aku tak bisa menggerakkan kakiku dan juga tanganku yang telah terjerat di dalamnya
Dia sangat kuat menjeratku hingga ke dalam otakku
Dan sarang laba – laba itu menarik tubuh lemahku
Yang terkulai lemah menuju pusatnya
Aku terdiam dan terhenti di dalamnya
I sit in the darkness, though the day shines bright
It seems like a desert, dry and barren and unblessed
It feels like a storm-tossed sea with crashing waves of endless pain

Between 1996 - 2000


Untitled

There’s nothing more to say
There’s nothing to discuss about
Because you’ve decided not to talk about it again
There’s nothing to hold on
There’s nothing to grasp
It’s all because you’ve taken it away
My speaking material
My hopes
My heart
My love
All gone
There’s nothing that must be asked
There’s no reason to look at
Because I’ll wait for the moment you said it
I’m in the circumstances that are
Hollow ……
Quiet ……
Silent ……
Cold ……
Stiff ……
Shut down ……
And
Died …...?




Unforgiven

Sometimes this body wrongly translates this heart
Sometimes the ego is too proud and too arrogant to say it
I drag these steps backward
But the cry bursts louder and harder
And my soul is covered with blood
I see your figure brighter and bigger
As I drag my steps backward
Forgive me